Alien time…
If you’ve read The Handyman and The Drama Queen, this short will probably feel familiar, but you don’t need to have read my Myths, Legends, and Southern Charm stories to enjoy Brax’s journey as he explores Earth.
Have fun with Brax as he tries to understand confusing Earthlings, but you don’t have to worry about spoilers with this short.
Meatballs and Edible Ties
Brax
Humans were fascinating and I thoroughly enjoyed finding a place where I could safely call them humans without startling other people of Earth.
“No, I am not sure why he was so angry, but I think it must be due to his being human.” Shrugging like they all seem to do, I sighed because that was always a good physical reaction. “They’re not as adaptable as they seem to think they are.”
Madison had decided that I was something called a mutt, which was a person or animal with a mixed heritage, and easily accepted I was not human even though I’d done a good job of looking like one. “I know. It’s just odd to get so worked up about food. Trying new things is fun, and it’s not our fault that when he drove through on Tuesday we were a taco truck.”
English was very interesting because I thought it was our fault we had been selling tacos on Tuesday, but I may have misunderstood her point. “I think the meatballs upset him in some way.”
He may have been one of the humans called a vegan, but when I explained we had soil-based options as well he became volatile.
English had so many fun ways to describe emotions…and the people of Earth had so many emotions.
“Tourists are hard to please. That’s why I love everyone around here so much.” Throwing up her hands, Madison leaned over my shoulder and looked into the bowl. “Some people are just nuts. I think the meatballs are good. Especially the marinara ones. I’m getting another one of those when you’re done with the chicken curry batch.”
For someone who loved to eat and loved to manage the small mobile restaurant everyone called a food truck, Madison could not cook. She could, however, burn many things…even when fire or heat did not seem to be involved…so she was highly accomplished.
Her abilities were just not helpful in her chosen field, so others took on that role.
“Thank you.” I preferred meats that tasted closer to the foods I grew up eating, but learning about new Earth options was always enjoyable. “Did you know that some humans eat animals called squirrels?”
I was very lucky that the people of Earth generally liked to talk to anyone. They passed on the most interesting pieces of information in casual conversation.
Madison went very still before tilting her head to show thoughtful confusion. “They’re not even a mouthful, but I guess we could make it work if you want to try it out. There’s got to be some kind of spell to make them bigger.”
Oh, yes.
“I know of one.” Magic worked similarly for me on Earth, but for some reason, Madison’s version was different. She used a language called Latin and had rituals to make focusing her magic easier. “We may need someone to taste test, though.”
Some options were getting mixed results from customers, so we needed an individual with an ability to taste that was closer to human. My ability was clearly not close enough to human. However, my creativity was much better than the average person of Earth, so I had other important skills.
“Let’s see if we can find Mikeal. He’ll eat it without asking questions. He’s like a walking garbage can.” Her smile indicated humor and the type of teasing she called poking fun, but I was fairly certain she’d insulted him.
Garbage cans were not nice or attractive objects that people wanted to collect or protect.
“He’s very helpful.” And what seemed to be called openminded. “I think he had a date tonight, but we’ll make up some options tomorrow before we change the truck. He had interesting ideas for soups.”
It was fascinating to see that some people liked the food called soup.
The first time I’d been introduced to it was while a dragon was being punished for inappropriate behavior in public. Miss Nancy, the owner of a small diner, would regularly threaten him with soup for his questionable behavior.
I knew not to bring that up, though, because it would lead to questions I couldn’t answer.
Where are you from?
Why do you talk so oddly?
Do you know you’re weird?
You know contractions are a thing, right?
English was not an easy language to learn no matter what they seemed to think. But I was gradually learning to use their combined words and had even mastered several words called slang and curses.
I could use the word fuck appropriately.
“Oh.” Standing straighter in a way that I’d come to learn meant she had an idea and was excited, she started wiggling.
People of Earth moved so much.
“Let’s do soup tomorrow. That’ll be fun.” Madison always confused me with her use of that word because it usually involved a lot of work on my part. “Maybe that cold soup? Gestapo or poncho. Something like that.”
No, it would not be like that, but I could find someone else to explain it or I could ask the magic man in my phone device. Madison had excitement and passion, but she did not have an accurate vocabulary.
“Let’s start with a warm soup that the locals would enjoy.” That might prevent them from sighing and complaining about missing tacos. “Have you ever eaten at an establishment called Olive Garden? Their soup is highly prized.”
“Oh.” Doing more excited wiggles, she smiled. “Do you think you could copy their soups?”
“Yes.” It wasn’t hard. With the right spells nothing was difficult, but their society didn’t have practical uses for magic. “I can even make breadsticks.”
Cooking was not as hard as everyone made it out to be…especially Madison.
“That’s going to be so much fun.” Madison still didn’t seem to understand that word, but luckily for her, I did not mind fun. “Have you ever eaten tie?”
Ties like the objects men wear when they worked in theoretical jobs based on money?
No. Those weren’t edible.
Was it a land?
A group of people?
A food object?
A fake style of food like Taco Bell?
When the knowledge I’d collected didn’t seem to contain information about a food called tie, I gave up and asked. “What is a tie in this use of the word?”
Traveling through what was called The South had given me knowledge of seafood and the plants called collards and when to deep fry something, but Earth had a variety of food from distant places.
It must not have been as confusing as I thought because Madison tilted her head again. “You know, eventually I’m going to ask why you don’t know the strangest things.”
Eventually was never that day.
“What kind of desserts do you think the locals would like?” She was easily distracted. “I ate a cake one time called Death by Chocolate.”
“Oh…”
Bingo.
Yes, that was as good a word as fuck.
***
Missed a Southern Charm Bonus? Click here to find all the pervious Southern Charm Shorts.
Want to read all 6 shorts at once? Click the button below to Join my Patreon (any paid tier) to download the ePub version.
Southern Charm Bonus Shorts is a collection of 6 short bonus stories taking place in my shared Myths, Legends, and Southern Charms Series and Blue Ridge Magic Series world.
Contains the stories:
-Mismatched Auras and Helpful Humans
-Hitchhiking and Stubborn Earthlings
-Sparkly Earthlings and Electronic Leashes
-Meatballs and Edible Ties
-Human Entertainment and New Friend Confusion
-Location – Location – Location
