This is a bonus short from Santa Has Tentacles…and it won’t make any sense until you read that first. But once you do, come back and check this out.

The first few people who got a peek at Santa Has Tentacles immediately asked me if our human helper dude was going to get a book. I have no idea but then a wonderful reader friend asked me to do a short to see what he was thinking when he met Saint’s human friend and that just popped right into my head, so I thought I would share it with you.

Enjoy!

Straight face.

Straight face.

You can do it.

Oh, the human looked confused. He had no idea what was going on…that always made it so much harder to look boring.

“Hello, helper human. I am the resident of room 3 0 1. I require a human submissive package delivered to my room.” My alien charge, Mr. Saint, looked like the conversation was perfectly reasonable, but his human’s eyebrows were almost at his hairline and his eyes were darting back and forth between us.

A less submissive guy would’ve immediately demanded to know what the fuck was going on, but my tentacled friends were masters at picking out subs. They could find the one sub in a whole restaurant or the one sub in the entire line of the It’s a Small World ride at Disneyworld.

“Yes. I would be happy to provide that for you.” And happy to explain what a sub was if they hadn’t had that conversation yet.

That question wasn’t a good place to start, though, so I aimed for something easier as I smiled at the human and did my best to look professional. “Do you have a preference on dessert? We can easily provide brownies, cookies, or fruit. But no one ever picks the fruit, so don’t worry about picking something healthy to make him happy.”

The littles had the worst habit of wanting to make their new Daddies happy and they tried to pick the healthiest option every time even when it was obvious they were going to regret it.

Our newest human visitor didn’t seem to be little, though, but I wasn’t going to bet on that. Sometimes they surprised me but not very often.

“Um.” His gaze bounced between me and his Dom as he took a breath. “Brownies, please.”

“Do you like bottled water, juice, or noncaffeinated sodas?” I shrugged and kept going before he could ask me for something his new Dom would consider dangerous. “They won’t let me stock booze or caffeine.”

They actually didn’t like anything carbonated, but they weren’t nuts about enforcing it since they knew we were addicted little nuts.

The new human’s sigh said he’d already run into that fun fact.

“Water, please.” The human pressed his lips together as he glanced at his Dom again, probably still trying to decide what the fuck was going on. “Thank you for your help.”

Falling back on manners was always a good option when dealing with a tentacle Dom, so I figured they’d probably be fine until they learned more about each other.

It wouldn’t make my questions any less entertaining, though.

“Do you have any allergies to latex or lubricants?” Our newest human visitor’s eyes went cartoon-sized, but this was one of the questions he actually had to answer before they could go up and figure out they were mates.

But since I didn’t want to seem like a complete creep, I explained before he could have a cow. “We had one allergic reaction with someone who’d never used any lube before. So now I have to ask and we also need to have the info on file just in case the ambulance has to show up again.”

How they kept finding the most innocent humans I’d ever met, I’d never begin to guess.

But since they did, I wasn’t going to let anyone die of weird shit on my shift.

“You don’t want these guys worried about your health.” And I didn’t want to look stupid again in front of the EMS people either. “And you’d be surprised at how angry the ambulance guys get when you just shrug and keep saying you don’t know why the cute twink stopped breathing.”

People were allergic to weird shit.

Thankfully, the new human cutie realized it was a reasonable question and sighed. “I really don’t like how much logic there is in this conversation. No allergies to latex or any lube. No known allergies that would send me into anaphylactic shock.”

He answered that easily enough that I had a feeling going onto the next part of my required lecture would be fun.

I really had the best job ever.

“Everyone in the building understands the stoplight system of safewords, and you will be shocked at how good their hearing is.” That usually surprised the new humans who visited but this one just rolled his eyes.

I behaved myself and didn’t demand the story even though I was terminally nosy. “We’ve never had an issue with consent but language issues are a thing. So if you say red in a loud voice several someones will come running.”

When I paused, he looked like he was hoping I was done.

I was not done.

Best job ever.

“I’m also required to inform you that you need to connect the dots on that. If you scream out an orgasm, everyone will hear that too. There’s only so much sound dampening insulation can do for aliens.” He almost groaned with that one and I had a hard time keeping my grin in check.

“And if you have sex in the pool, everyone is going to watch.” I shrugged at that one because it should’ve been obvious but always confused some humans…and it’d been one of the reasons I was hired to begin with, so I made sure to explain it thoroughly.

The first human who’d done it completely understood the concept of exhibitionism.

The second had not.

So now I was wonderfully helpful in explaining the obvious. “They like education in all forms. But someone will end up asking about why you’re willing to be shown off.”

“Communication is important. I should’ve realized that.” The new human’s sigh made keeping my delight in check a lot harder than he realized. “Thank you for pointing that out. Anything else?”
This one wasn’t nearly as innocent as the last couple of human subs some of the guys had brought home.

I approved.

He even asked questions I could give him good answers to. “I don’t think so. This process is fairly new. Mr. Saint?”

Mr. Saint gave me a beaming smile for remembering the list of things I was supposed to ask bout or point out. “You have articulated all the necessary points. Thank you for being diligent.”

His adorable praise had me fighting not to roll my eyes. He had a fun habit of praising me like I was in kindergarten, but explaining that would’ve been a conversational nightmare. “Thank you.”

Thankfully, his human didn’t seem to have a problem with it and just waved as Mr. Saint picked him up and started carrying him to the elevators. “Have a good night.”

Once they’d gotten across the lobby, I heard the human finally start questioning the whole thing. “Why do you need a human to point out fairly obvious things to the dates who come visit?”
Because humans were not always good at making decisions and then extrapolating what would happen from there.

We were generally impulsive creatures that did first and thought later.

Like skinny dipping in the pool and then wondering why everyone was watching.

Or wondering why the alien dudes with the incredible hearing had opinions on how many times they’d come the night before.

I definitely had the best job ever…and I couldn’t help but wonder what those two were going to get up to.

–
Note: The previously advertised website sale on this post has now ended