“You have to save me. I’m an idiot who thinks with his dick and I need to be saved from myself.” Laughter might not have been the best response, but Archer was being so dramatic it was hard to take him seriously sometimes. “This isn’t funny. I’ve been calling you for two days.”
Okay, most of the time.
Drama was obviously affecting his memory…and his logic skills, so I decided a reminder was in order. “The train has been going through ridiculously small towns that don’t have any cell service.”
And for some reason, the train seemed to go even slower when we were in dead zones.
There were wonderful side effects of traveling cross-country that I hadn’t expected—random areas of the US that got no cell service whatsoever and the fact that the motion of the train kept putting me to sleep.
Archer snorted, his drama ratcheting even higher. “That’s just stupid. You’re on a train through the South, not through a third world country.”
I couldn’t help laughing again. Whatever had gotten him so wound up had to be good. “Tell that to the cell companies who won’t put in enough towers down here. Now, before I lose signal again, what did you do?”
I could almost feel the signal fading without even having to look at the phone.
His sigh was not helpful, but I knew he’d fess up eventually. Archer might take a while to get going, but once he started talking, it all just exploded out.
“I’m an idiot who can’t control his dick.” I was a terrible friend. It was too funny but I managed not to laugh too much as I waited for him to continue his story. “It’s Declan. He’s…distracting. And he has a weird obsession with gray sweatpants. I might not survive.”
I couldn’t find a decent guy to date to save my life, but somehow his new roommate was the gray sweatpants god who seemed to be hung like a horse.
I’d have hated Archer if he hadn’t been one of my best online friends. He balanced me out in almost every way. Where I was laid back and had a wicked sense of humor, he was all panic and drama and constant erections from his wonderfully dirty thoughts.
The fact that he was embarrassed by the dirty thoughts, which just made him even more turned on, was fun…and it seemed that his new roommate found him fun too.
Just in a different way than I did.
Since it seemed like I was destined to live vicariously through his shenanigans, I jumped right in. “Oh, this sounds good. How distracting? Like doing weird shit while he walks around in his underwear distracting or the good kind?”
He had the worst luck with roommates, so it could’ve gone either way. “I thought you said it was going fine. Fine means boring, not sexual explosions.”
I’d obviously missed something on my slow trek toward the East Coast.
“Um, the good kind…I think?” Archer really didn’t sound too confident about that. “And I might have exaggerated how boring things are.”
At some point, I was going to be able to stop laughing, but I hadn’t reached that point yet. “What did you do?”
The silence coming through the phone was deafening.
“He’s…” Archer paused, throwing in a few dramatic sighs as he dragged it out. “He’s a tease, and he’s wicked and says outrageous things while leering at me.”
And this was a problem how?
It would’ve driven me bonkers, but it was perfect for my dirty friend. “Sounds like you’re falling head over heels for your perfect man. What’s the problem?”
“You’re an ass.” He was trying to sound stern, but he just never nailed it perfectly because there wasn’t an ounce of Dom in him.
“But I’m an ass who’s right.” I managed not to laugh as I teased him. “Now, what’s the problem here? And I really can’t believe you were holding out on me.”
I always got the good stories…that was just the kind of friend I was.
“You were excited about your trip. I wasn’t holding out on you.” He sighed. “He just flirts and then walks away. I’m always hard and stammering and blushing, and he hasn’t even touched me. I’m going crazy.”
Now it was getting good. “Poor baby. So is he just a flirt and says outrageous things to everyone, or is he singling you out?”
“Yes.”
I laughed.
I couldn’t help it, but eventually I managed to sound stern and poke at him. “Archer?”
“Um, both I think?” He wiggled around, sounding like he’d flopped back onto his bed or the couch before sighing and putting me on speaker. Out of all my online friends, he wiggled the most. “I haven’t seen him around other people, but he’s definitely the type to flirt with everyone.”
“We both know how hot you’d find watching him flirt with someone, so that’s probably not helping your issue either.” His groan said he knew I was right.
“I’m dying. The other day he was flirting with the pizza delivery girl and I just about melted.” He sighed again. “Can someone die of an erection that won’t go away?”
I was a terrible person, but his drama only made me laugh even more. “Not that I know of, but from all those stupid commercials for dick pills, I can tell you what the condition is called.”
“Asshole.”
“Only when I get to tease you.” I chuckled. “So the problem is that your sexy flirt…I’m assuming he’s sexy based on your rambling…but he’s just teasing and walking away? Do you actually want a relationship with him or are you horny? Those are two different things.”
“Um…both.” I managed not to laugh as he sighed and answered…well, almost. “Really, both.”
“Is there intention when he’s flirting or is it just casual?” Even I knew there was a big difference between the two.
“I don’t know…I’ve never met anyone like him, though.” That wasn’t helpful at all, so I was glad when he kept going. “He’s…my grandmother would have called him brash and a scoundrel.”
Was that a bad thing?
“He’s…” Archer groaned, still drowning in drama. “He makes me squirm and blush just by leering at me…and he does that a lot. I was bent over looking for something under the couch yesterday and he stopped right behind me and said it was a great view.”
Oh god.
That was so perfect for my dirty friend, and I couldn’t stop laughing as I pictured the scene.
Even without having met his sexy new roommate, I knew the guy had to be thoroughly enjoying fucking with Archer.
He finally broke in, frustrated and still just as funny. “Stop that. When I turned around, I was hard and looked ridiculous and he was giving me that dirty leer before pointing at the window that looks out over the backyard.”
He took a breath, but he didn’t get any calmer. “Then he grinned and said I had a great back…yard. He paused between the words. Honest. He paused.”
He was so nuts and so confused, I couldn’t stop laughing.
“Okay…” But I was a good friend and once I took another deep breath, I’d be able to help. Hopefully. “I think we can safely say he’s at least interested in you. But does he talk to you about other stuff? I mean, it’s not just all dirty shit, right?”
He was quiet for several long moments and I imagined him shrugging. “We talk. He asks about work and he tells me about his classes. It’s not deep stuff, but it’s more than most dates I’ve been on.”
Now it was my turn to think, and I decided to start with the obvious. “These are going to sound like stupid questions, but he knows you’re gay, right? And he knows that you’re into kinky shit? I mean, you don’t have to spell it out that you want to hump his leg and beg to come, but he knows you’re at least open-minded, right?”
“Um…maybe?” His tone was too hesitant for me to be confident about the answer. “Announcing I’m kinky doesn’t exactly come up in most conversations, Bishop. Unlike some people I know.”
I scoffed. “It’s an ice breaker. What can I say?”
And leaving it until later wasn’t helpful either.
I’d rather know right off the bat if it was going to be an issue.
But I decided not to point out the logic since I wasn’t sure he would listen at this point. “But did you at least hint at it or talk about an ex-boyfriend or something?”
“No.” He paused again, clearly thinking as he seemed to be flopping around. “But the ad said I was LGBT friendly.”
That nonsense just had me rolling my eyes. “That doesn’t help, Archer. Hell, it’s too common these days. He might think you’re just skittish or in the closet.”
“Oh. Do you think announcing I’m gay might be helpful?”
Like over dinner?
When he was ass-up looking under the couch?
Just imagining how that would go had me snickering.
“You’re not being helpful here.” He sighed, drama dripping from the sound as I laughed. “Well? What do I do?”
Okay, he needed a plan. “I think there’s a better way to let him know you’re gay and kinky without announcing it randomly in your kitchen, for one thing.”
Thinking it through, I tried to come up with a reasonable way to do it where he wouldn’t look nuts. “How about you go out on a date or something so when he asks where you’re going, then you can tell him about the guy? Then maybe after the date, you complain about him being vanilla or something like that.”
Archer’s groan said he wasn’t sure that would work. “That might work, but dates are always so painful. Isn’t there an easier way of handling this? I’m not really a masochist.”
Just as I was ready to point out that he was kind of a verbal masochist, someone coughed.
Like an I need to announce my presence sound…not an I have a cold sound.
It seemed that things had gotten interesting. “Who’s that? Please tell me you’re coming down with the flu.”
He was going to kill me if he needed to find a new roommate already.
Hmm, maybe I could just stay with him?
I wasn’t exactly sure how long my visit to Virginia was going to be…or if it was just a visit.
The quiet cougher stayed silent, but Archer wasn’t helpful at all as he rambled. “No idea. I’m not looking. I’m honestly hoping it’s a serial killer. I’m just going to stay right here and let him kill me.”
I could see that being a better option than looking.
“Yeah, I think I’m voting for killer too.” I tried to be supportive, but I just couldn’t. “If you die, can I have the house? I’m going to need somewhere to live eventually.”
“Yes. But the roof needs to be replaced in a year or two tops. Don’t forget.” Archer was so cute he honestly sounded rational when he said it.
“Got it. Thanks for the reminder.” Before I could decide what to say next, the coughing person laughed.
“Dude, at least the serial killer finds you funny.” I thought it was hilarious, but Archer groaned. “Maybe that means he’ll make it quick.”
“I think that might mean he’ll enjoy torturing me more. Make sure the newspapers make me sound noble and sweet, not stupid and pathetic.” I couldn’t decide if the drama queen was serious or not, but there was no way I was going to make him sound noble.
That wouldn’t be any fun at all.
But I wasn’t sure telling him that now would be helpful, so I lied. “Got it.”
The sexy voice finally spoke, cutting off my random thoughts. “Oh, this killer is going to take his sweet time torturing the dirty boy he’s found.”
Damn.
Sexy as hell.
“Oh, please let him kill me instead. Does he like pups?” If Archer didn’t want him, I was going to throw my collar in the ring.
He sounded yummy.
“Pups might be interesting to play with, but this killer is more fascinated by conflicted naughty boys who are pretending to be vanilla.” His tone said he was trying not to laugh, but it was still sexy enough that we both moaned.
I couldn’t help laughing at how ridiculous this all was.
“I think I’ve found two naughty boys.” The coughing roommate was just getting hotter.
Why couldn’t I accidentally stumble over a sexy, dirty roommate?
Taking a breath and looking out at the passing scenery, I just had to hope there was one out there for me somewhere…but for now, living through Archer would be fun.
Well, it would be fun if they started talking again.
What were they doing?
I was starting to get worried when Declan, I was pretty sure his name was Declan, started to chuckle. “Don’t tell me you’re trying to pretend to be shocked and vanilla at this point?”
Archer was too quiet, so I helped out. “No, he’s not; he’s just worried this is a dream, and he’s going to wake up. He’s a dirty little thing who would love to be teased and spanked. I’ll tell you his fantasies if you promise to throw a ball for me when I come visit.”
Archer groaned but didn’t seem to want to participate quite yet.
Thankfully, his new…something was chattier. “Deal.”
Yay.
Archer groaned. “You’re both trying to kill me.”
Declan gave a low, sexy laugh, sending another shiver through me. “Roomie, I can see just how alive you are from here.”
I giggled, thoroughly loving the way Declan didn’t seem to have any problem with my basically being there while they were so sexy and dirty.
I needed to find my own Declan.
It had gotten too quiet. Before I could ask for more details, though, Declan called out. “He’s trying to hide from me, Bishop. I think he’s going to have to be punished for ignoring me.”
I groaned, finally giving in and reaching down to adjust my own erection that was straining against the jeans I’d stupidly put on this morning. Thank fuck I’d sprung for a private room on the train or this would’ve been a lot more awkward. “What’s he doing?”
“Doing a very good impression of a startled goldfish.” Declan seemed to be enjoying the whole thing so much he was nearly giggling.
I decided to be helpful since Archer didn’t seem to be able to function at the moment. “He hasn’t dated that many people who get his kinks.”
“Humiliation?” He was smart. Before I could say that, though, he kept guessing. “Spankings?”
“Oh yes.” He was good at this. He had been watching my dirty little buddy closely. “And lots of dirty talk. Oh, and you can call him names as long as you do it sweetly. No growling out something like ‘stupid fucker,’ but if you call him your dirty slut in a sweet voice, he might just come right then.”
I was the greatest best friend ever.
Archer’s muffled groan said he thought so too.
Declan seemed to be trying not to laugh as he called out more questions, so I was pretty sure Archer had done something dramatic that Declan found cute. “Sounds good. Is being naked when I’m still wearing clothes going to make him feel humiliated or just turned on?”
They were trying to make me come by listening to their dirty ideas and sexy moans. “Both, oh yes, both.”
Declan chuckled but stayed on track. “Before we get to the full-on fantasies, is there anything else I should know?”
Oh…there probably was.
Knowing Archer, he hadn’t confessed one important thing to Declan yet.
“Um, maybe.” Was it really my place to point it out, though? “Can I tell him? I mean, it’s your biggest thing that…well, he needs to know, dude.”
Thankfully, Declan stayed quiet and didn’t press for details, which bumped him up even higher in my eyes.
But the phone stayed silent for too long. “What did he say?”
“He waved his hands.” Declan was trying to be helpful, but that wasn’t enough to make me confess anything.
I wasn’t sure what was going on over there, but Declan finally broke the silence again. “Take off the pillow or talk louder, roomie. We both know he’s not going to tell me until he knows it’s okay.”
Pillow?
I had to smile at the image of Archer hiding under his pillows, pretending nothing else existed. But thankfully, he came out of hiding, at least for a moment. “Fine. But if this goes south, I’m going to do something drastic like putting itching powder on your tail when you come over here. And I don’t want to know if it’s a deal breaker. We’re all just going to pretend this never happened. Got it?”
Laughter was definitely the wrong response, but he was just so funny. “What is he doing?”
If we were going to play these games again, I wanted to be able to see the drama queen.
“He’s got his fingers in his ears and he’s humming to cover the sound of the conversation.” Declan’s voice got quieter and suddenly something changed in the volume. “Hey, you’re off speaker.”
“Okay, that might be the best idea.” I let out a breath, starting to get worried. I really hoped this turned out okay. “You’re not a dick, right? I mean, he wants someone who can play a bit rough and say outrageous things, but he doesn’t want an asshole.”
Those were very different things.
“I get the difference. No, I can be a dick sometimes, but I don’t want to hurt him.” That had me giggling because he kind of wanted a dick that could hurt him. Thankfully, Declan didn’t get distracted. “I don’t want to hurt him in a bad way. How about that?”
“Better.” No more giggling. I had to get it all out before Archer exploded. “Okay, he only told me this after we’d been online friends for several years. So this is big for him.”
I realized after I’d said big that I probably should’ve said important.
“I get that. Honestly, though, I can’t think of much that would be a deal breaker at this point.” Declan seemed so genuine, I found myself relaxing as I explained about Archer’s past.
“He’s had a few dates that went south because of it. Some guys are assholes.” God, some guys were just…
“What happened?” Declan interrupted my thoughts, making me sigh.
People could be assholes when someone was different, but I thought it’d gotten all blown out of proportion. “I don’t see the issue, honestly. It’s a common kink really, and he’s a total bottom, so it’s not that important unless you want to be fucked. But if that’s something you want, there are ways around it. And honestly, it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean.”
Declan was quiet for several long moments. “He’s small?”
He didn’t seem horrified, just a bit confused, if I was reading his tone right, so I kept going. “Yes. He’s overall not that tall or built, so it’s not surprising. Judging from the pictures he’s sent me. Not dick pics, mind you. But regular pics, you know? He’s probably just slightly under proportion for his body size.”
I didn’t want him thinking that his roomie had sent me dick pics.
Declan jumped back in. “I don’t care one way or the other. But is he genuinely upset by his size, or is it something else?”
Oh, had I not been clear about that part?
“Um, he likes that he doesn’t like it. It’s like one of those humiliation things. That’s what made some of the asshole reactions bad because he’s kind of wired to get turned on when he’s teased and it fucked up his head for a while.” People were assholes. “So he hasn’t been dating much lately.”
“So just to make sure we’re on the same page here.” Declan sounded like we were negotiating a new lease agreement, which was kind of hot given Archer’s humiliation thing. “He’s got a small dick and kind of has a love-hate relationship with the humiliation aspect of it, but he doesn’t want me to actually have an issue with it?”
“Exactly.” Smart men were so sexy. “So what’s the consensus?”
I could hear the sexy smile in Declan’s voice as he answered. “No problem here. I’m more of an ass guy anyway.”
God, Archer was so fucking lucky I had to laugh. “Okay, put him back on the phone. Just shove it under the pillow and give me a minute.”
“Give me a sec.” The smile in Declan’s voice had me sighing.
Had I mentioned how lucky Archer was?
After a few seconds, I heard a very Archer sigh, and I laughed. “God, you’re so fucking lucky. He’s an ass guy and the way he said it made it sound like he’s been drooling over yours.”
Archer made an embarrassed squeak. “Really?”
Going over the conversation he seemed to have missed, I tried to give a play-by-play of what Declan had said and what he hadn’t said. After reliving it, I sighed. “He honestly doesn’t seem to have a legit issue with your size or the humiliation thing.”
“I…it’s just…” Archer sighed softly. “I’m worried that this isn’t real.”
Unfortunately, I knew exactly where he was coming from.
“I’d tell you if I had any reservations about this.” But I didn’t. I wasn’t sure why, but there’d just been something about Declan’s voice.
I might not have met my Mr. Right yet…but I had a feeling Archer had.
He just needed to find the courage to go after what he’d always wanted.
“You got this.” Trying to keep the happiness I felt for him in my voice, I sighed. “I expect a full report on what happens next. And god, if nothing happens because you chicken out, I’m going to come find you.”
My threat had him giggling. “Fine.”
Since I knew better than to push him past this point, I grinned. “Now give the phone back to your new sexy man.”
I heard what had to be the rustling of Archer’s pillow before Declan came back on the line, worry in his voice. “Yes?”
“Okay, I brought him up to speed. I’m guessing he has no idea what to do now. He’s really firm and outgoing at work, but with this…yeah, the ball is now in your court.” This was definitely where I should peace out…especially since I was down to one bar. “I’m starting to lose signal again, so I’ll call him later. Oh, he uses stoplight colors for safewords. Have fun.”
As I disconnected the phone, looking out into the rural landscape that was speeding by outside the train, I told myself that one day I was going to be the dramatic, confused sub that got to call Archer about the amazing Dom I’d just met.
One day…
And maybe that day would end up being in Virginia…
Hopefully.
