Best. Town. Ever.
“Didn’t that online list say chocolate starfishes? Why are these strawberry?” The wonderfully fun old dragon leaned over the table at the pile of what I thought was homemade mochi from what I’d overheard and frowned at it like it was a bug.
I still wasn’t sure what was going on but I knew it was going to be amazingly weird. I just had to be patient and quiet until we got to the punch line because the grumpy old dragons who seemed to live at the diner were easily distracted and could quickly jump to a new weird topic before finishing the first one if I wasn’t careful.
It’d happened with the cuffs and I still wasn’t sure if they’d been thinking it was for dicks or not.
Unfortunately, I didn’t know anyone well enough to ask since it might be rude. I still wasn’t sure what was considered bad manners, though, because nothing in the adorably strange little town worked the same way it did anywhere else.
Especially anything that happened at the diner.
It was even weirder than the rest of the town and I loved it.
I loved the weird ways they used magic.
I loved the completely inappropriate conversations.
I loved the way any and all forms of oddness was completely acceptable and encouraged.
I even loved the stupid portal that had finally opened again after only the ancestors knew how long. That should’ve been mostly boring discussions and possibly world ending planning, but so far it was all just gossip and questions about dinosaurs for some reason.
“They’re raspberry.” Well, it was nice to know the flavor but it really didn’t help satisfy my curiosity. I’d hoped to get more information, but the younger dragon who liked to bake was just frowning at the men too.
Did he not know what the problem was either?
From what I’d been able to figure out, one of their names was Kenzie and he made the best bad decisions. So once I knew which one he was, I knew I needed to be his friend, but it was only my second day in town.
Being patient with introducing myself to the younger dragons seemed like a good idea but being pushy and nosy would’ve been more satisfying.
“Raspberry starfishes sounds like you got a disease that’ll make ya itch.” The second old man shifted his hips like the conversation was making his crotch do terrible things.
What were they talking about?
Okay, better question.
What did they think everyone else was talking about?
It was definitely something fun, so I was really glad Pierce wasn’t with me, but I still had a lot of questions and the funny old men kept blocking my view of the rest of the guys at the table. There was no way my cranky cousin could’ve kept his drama to himself long enough for me to figure out what was going on.
So it might’ve been mean, but I was glad I was by myself.
“I’m kinda surprised that you can bring something like that in here.” Old man one seemed to think he knew what was going on but the rest of the younger guys looked very confused still. “Miss Nancy’s gonna be shocked at the very least.”
Old man two nodded and looked sad for some reason. “Soup is a definite possibility.”
Oh…I knew that one.
Kenzie the dragon hated soup.
Had Kenzie made the mochi?
Was the confused guy who knew it was raspberry Kenzie?
Was the dessert taboo in some way?
They had the weirdest local cultures and had the most interesting conversations, but I was still learning all about it. I’d thought going to the Blue Ridge Mountains for a council meeting would be boring, but so far, it’d been the best trip I’d taken in years.
Even better than that trip to Yellowstone where I’d met a Bigfoot.
“Soup for the rest of the year.” Old man one was shaking his head like he wasn’t sure what they’d been thinking. “It’s…it’s pink. Do they come in that color?”
Did what come in pink?
The mochi did since they could see that right on the plate.
“Mages fuck with everything. This had to be their doing.” Old man two sighed and frowned but started to look like he’d figured something out. “It’s got to be like the flowers.”
“Mackenzie, what were you thinking letting the mages do this?” Old man one wasn’t making any more sense, but he’d helped me figure out who Kenzie was.
“Has anyone asked Carrick if that’s possible?” Old man two looked around at the other people in the small diner and half shrugged while the other half was pretending to ignore them.
When no one responded, two turned to one. “If they’re sour maybe that’s why it’s called a pucker in some of those books.”
What books?
Oh. Wait.
“Why would it be sour?” Old man two was now thoroughly confused and he cocked his head before he started studying the dessert again. “I thought that list said special star.”
Special star?
Pucker?
Were we allowed to talk about buttholes in public?
“Those were two different names on the list.” Old man one rolled his eyes like the other guy was an idiot. “If you’re not going to pay attention you don’t get to learn. Education takes effort.”
Technically he was right but no one else seemed to know what to say about it.
Their eyes kept getting bigger and bigger, though, so I was pretty sure the other guys at the mochi table had figured it out too. The old men were clearly waiting for a response to what they thought was a reasonable conversation, but the Kenzie guy leaned over to a human.
“If I respond to any of this Miss Nancy is going to make me eat soup for a month.” Kenzie might’ve been mischievous but he wasn’t stupid because the other young guys at the table nodded solemnly. “What do we do?”
“Tattle.” A shorter dragon wearing a sparkly vest sat straighter. “Miss Nancy! They’re being naughty. My Daddy’s going to be very upset if I make Carrick mad and I’m trying to be a good boy.”
Best. Town. Ever.
Everyone had D—ies and Doms and they talked about them a lot and colored in public and even the old men in town were trying to be helpful.
They’d made sure they knew I was Team Binkie right away so they could sort me on their list. Unfortunately, Pierce had gone on Team Badass since he refused to explain he was a Daddy…which was the reason he was avoiding coming back to the diner and why I was in there for as many meals a day as I could manage.
“I’m coming out there in five seconds. If I see anything nefarious going on I’m calling the deputy and the partner of the party making the bad decisions.” Miss Nancy, the wonderfully gruff character of a woman who seemed to own the diner, started counting and the men scrambled like someone was coming after them with a shotgun.
Or a wooden spoon.
The sparkly dragon looked very pleased with himself and the human they were hanging out with was trying not to laugh. Everyone else went back to pretending the old men hadn’t been trying to figure out why Kenzie had made butthole mochi. They were all really good at treating the conversations as perfectly normal, but I hadn’t been able to figure out if that was because they thought it was normal or because it actually was normal.
I’d figure it out eventually, but discovery was part of the fun, so I wasn’t going to rush it.
I also wasn’t going to tell Pierce what was going on because while we were family, he was some kind of weird branch of the family tree that was damned near a get off my lawn old fart even though he wasn’t that old.
Some people were just born a cranky pain in the butt. However, he was family, so I was patient with him.
Fucking with him was fun, though, so maybe I’d tell him about it?
After shopping.
Because second best to the people in the town was the number of small little stores that needed my patronage. And my wallet. And my attention.
Luckily for me, I had my own rental car and Pierce wouldn’t start wondering what I’d gotten up to for a few more hours because he was hiding and pretending to do work. That was utter bullshit, but he wasn’t having nearly as much fun as I was yet.
Something about the town said that would change soon, but until it did, I was going to have fun getting to know the locals and going shopping. So as I put money down on the table for my burger, I made sure to smile and wave at anyone and everyone.
“Did your mother get back alright?” I don’t think I’d ever learned her name but a woman who seemed older than the pyramids had been worried about her mom. “Was the airport crowded?”
“No, but you’ll never guess what happened.” Nope. I would not have guessed but hearing about it was fun.
And I liked hearing about the twins that’d just been born and even chipped in for the second crib because evidently we hadn’t been expecting two and that’d been a surprise.
“I agree. Someone should’ve done a less human exam on her.” I wasn’t sure how that would’ve worked but it seemed better to just agree and let someone else figure it out.
But by the time I made it out of the diner, I had an invitation to go visit the babies later in the week and a coupon for the candle shop because Miss Nancy wasn’t going to use it and she liked me because I didn’t talk about buttholes in the diner and ate all my food.
Best. Town. Ever.
And it was at least a thousand miles away from my mother…but unfortunately, phones were the electronic version of those backpack leashes some parents loved.
Like my mother.
“Hello, mother.” I’d managed to get almost twenty-four hours between calls, so I knew she’d call out the National Guard if I didn’t answer the phone.
“Don’t hello mother me.” She’d already worked herself up in a tizzy, so I put the car in park and left the AC on while I relaxed and waited for her to tell me what I’d done to scare her. “Did you know that Mason boy thinks you’re going to take him whitewater rafting?”
I had plans to do a lot more with that Mason boy who was actually nearly forty and one of the only Doms in a hundred miles of my hometown that I wasn’t related to by blood or marriage. I was smart enough not to point that out, though, because he’d just come out of a fucked-up marriage to a woman and I wasn’t sure if he was obviously out or not.
He was the one foot in and one foot out of the closet kind of bi and everyone kept forgetting about the liking dudes part of bi even though he’d taken a guy to the Senior prom.
“He’s still thinking it over and wanted to do more research. Were you going to help him with that or was his mother helping?” His mother was nearly as insane as mine, which was one of the ways we’d bonded when I’d saved him from her in the grocery store a few weeks ago. “She’s not as helpful as you are, though.”
And we were off.
Twenty minutes and several long conversational detours later and she finally let out a deep breath. “I knew he was trouble but no one would listen.”
Jacob wasn’t a mass murderer…he’d joined the rodeo.
“Some people just need to learn their own lessons.” Hopefully before he broke any bones or knocked anyone up because women were that boy’s biggest problem…not that my mother would want to hear that part. “I’m sure you did your best to help.”
She was the definition of pushy, so I knew she’d at least tried to make him do what she wanted. I’d hoped telling her what she wanted to hear would’ve been helpful to myself, but she sighed. “Please tell me you’ve met some good people there, Wren. This is your chance to network into finding a real job and maybe even finding a nice person to settle down with.”
She wasn’t exactly homophobic but she really couldn’t seem to understand why I’d decided to be the gay kind of queer and not nice and bisexual. I’d given up explaining and had decided to take a different tactic.
“I have.” It was time to scare her into leaving me alone for a while. “I met this nice young-twenties aged dragon and he’s got two fated mates. Mates. They’ve got a strong bond and he wears so much glitter.”
Her dramatic groan had me fighting to sound normal and not laugh. “It’s not as bad as you think and it doesn’t get everywhere. I think it’s the body paint kind, though. You know, the stuff the girls down at the Happy Shack wear on special occasions.”
As she started to sputter, I pretended not to notice and kept barreling over her like she’d taught me to do. “I don’t think I’d manage with two…that just takes so much…stamina, but he’s very energetic and likes to tell everyone about them.”
That wasn’t a lie either, which made it even better. “He’s kind of odd, though. He keeps saying human forms are crunchy but I don’t think I believe that. Well, the eating part at least. Would that be cannibalism? There was a debate about that but I wasn’t sure what side I was on. What would you have said?”
Goodbye.
She’d have said goodbye just as fast as she’d hung up on me.
And now I had at least twenty-four more hours.
She hadn’t appreciated my questions about if it was appropriate to have adult gear in the diner either, and I didn’t think she was going to like being asked about mochi tomorrow.
But it was better than her texting me every two hours like I was a baby who needed to be fed.
“Shopping time and then Pierce owes me a reward for talking to her so she didn’t call him.” He wasn’t my Daddy because he was my cousin and not the kind of cousin someone would play doctor with, but he was good about watching out for me and buying me dessert when I told him I’d been well-behaved.
Training him had been difficult and time consuming, but so far, it’d been worth it. His mate, whoever that turned out to be, was going to appreciate all my hard work.
“Gonna find my Daddy and then I’m gonna escape somewhere fun with no cell service.” Like another planet. “Then she won’t be able to call me and she’ll have to find someone else to obsess over.”
Being an only child was hard.
“But it’s time to shop first and find my Daddy second.” I just knew he was wandering around there somewhere. I could almost feel him in the diner earlier but no one in there had been quite right.
My Daddy was going to be smart enough to know he couldn’t bring sex toys into the diner and sweet enough to give me attention right away. I didn’t care if he was a mage or a dragon, but smart enough to handle my mother and me was a must.
And if he could help make decisions about what we were going to do with the portal that would be great, because so far, the locals kept shrugging every time it came up. They seemed to be playing a game of Not It when it came to making decisions.
But even I knew we couldn’t just leave a portal to another planet randomly open without supervision and making some decisions.
Duh.
“Okay, no more worries, candles for going through the portal because who knows if batteries will work and maybe some new lotion.” Then there was the crystal shop and I still had to meet the lady who did palm reading. “So much to do and so little time until the meetings start.”
I couldn’t decide if that was going to be fun or painful, but as I climbed out of the car and bounced toward the door to the candle shop, it became obvious. “Both. Definitely both as long as everyone else is just as much fun as the locals.”
I wasn’t sure about all the visiting council members, though. They’d been avoiding the magical locals and some of them had even decided to stay out at the hotel by the highway instead of in town. The men at the diner said their wives had been horrified at their manners.
So I was hoping that meant more chaos at some point, but I couldn’t figure out what flavor that would be. Somehow they made everything insane, so it wouldn’t be just a general scolding over bad manners.
Nope.
We’d get something fun and dramatic, and I hoped I had popcorn when it happened.
“Portals and drama and manner, oh my.” Hmm. “I need to work on that.”
Oh.
Walking into the candle shop, I fell in love and decided I was never leaving the Blue Ridge Mountains.
“This is amazing.”
Candles and twinkle lights and teas over in one corner…I’d found home.
“Thank you.” The smiling woman over by the teas could’ve been anywhere between twenty and forty, I didn’t understand women well enough to guess, but she was happy until her eyes widened. “Oh.”
Did I stand out as little?
Dragon?
Drama queen?
“You have to keep your clothes on and can’t ask about sex toys.”
All of the above.
“I’m just visiting.” She seemed relieved and worried about that at the same time if I was reading her expression right. “I can behave. I’m not local.”
One eyebrow went up.
For a human, she seemed to understand the problem with the locals…were they sure the humans in the area were in the dark about the whole dragons and mages thing?
“How about I promise that you can tattle on me to my mother if I say anything inappropriate?” That got a laugh as I waved my phone at her and she shook her head. “Some of us can behave.”
Just not the diner men.
And clearly some of them had been candle shopping recently.
Hmm.
They knew none of this stuff could go up their asses, right?
